I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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