My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
