Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
