Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
