So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
