So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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