Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
