I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
