I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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