my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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