I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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