why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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