This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
