sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
