good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
