I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
