I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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