God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the condom got lost in my hair
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
