So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
