Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
