i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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