I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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