Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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