Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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