break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
