Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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