i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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