She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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