the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
