My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
