I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
