Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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