The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
