I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
