Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize