Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
