this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
