Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize