did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You left your phone here
Wait...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
