Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
