I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
