Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
