Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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