It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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