I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
