I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
