You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
