Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
