im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
