You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
