Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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