My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
