I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
