Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
