As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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