she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
