Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
