I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
