so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
