i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
