I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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