my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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