new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
