What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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