how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
