omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish you could order shots online.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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