just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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