I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize