Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
