I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
