nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
