RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
