Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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